I just spent an hour clarifying how much weight I need to lose to win a “New Year, New You” diet bet game.

It’s a six month “game”, so I joined it in July. I haven’t “won” or hit any of the monthly targets so far, and I still have a substantial amount (for me) to lose to qualify for the last round. But I’m pretty happy about it, and feeling positive.

Even though I haven’t met any of the goals so far, I feel hopeful and am glad I invested in this weight loss game. I might not have met the gradual monthly goals so far, BUT spending $40 a month and being forced to weigh in monthly on the app (with a very clear goal number next to it) to insure a chance at winning the money back has kept me clear and accountable.

I may not have lost as much weight as I wanted to to win the monthly games and get lighter so far, BUT I have not gained weight. That is a big win for me, especially given how many defeats, failures, and episodes of shitty feelings I’ve experienced during this time. Those experiences could have easily resulted in substantial overeating, more poor food choices for comfort, and weight gain, but knowing we really could use the money back that I’ve spent on this game has not allowed me to just avoid looking at the scale. Seeing these stupid $40 dings monthly and feeling bad about it means I really want to show my wife it is worth it, for one thing. I guess being broke is motivating me as much as the actual game and promise of feeling less weighed-down. So I keep weighing in, and not burying my head in the sand.

Today I did actually meet a significant little milestone, leaving the 140s behind. I know it is insignificant-sounding (and potentially unhealthy) to other people, but it’s a big deal to me. Being over 140 (and over 150 at times) is for sure unhealthy and not natural-feeling for my body and frame and bone structure. The habits that put me in that bracket hurt my pancreas and other organs and systems. The pain in my feet and ankles and hips is real. The way my guts and stuff are being squeezed by excess fat is uncomfortable, to say the least. Those are real things, that are not in my imagination or a result of “diet culture” or any of that.

As far as dailiness and planning and time management goes, this particular dietbet has been a great learning and practicing experience for me. I am one of these people who needs a long runway — a VERY long runway — to really transition into tasks and projects. I also have a hard time creating clear concise measurable goals and benchmarks to work towards. It seems that I need to start wrapping up the year early — VERY early — to get ready for the next year, and to wind up on December 31st feeling like I actually accomplished something I can be proud of. I need more than the holiday season to prep for starting January off on the right foot.

I feel really excited to have very specific numbers I need to reach on a weekly and even daily basis to meet my (achievable and healthy) weight loss goal to begin a new year. I love seeing the numbers laid out on the spreadsheet I just made, and knowing I really don’t have a lot of wiggle room OR complicated decisions to make this month when it comes to food, rest and exercise. With a modicum of attention, discipline and purposeful enjoyable activity, I know I am going to feel better and go into the new year leveled up, lighter, and more confident and proud of myself that at least I can accomplish something.