Daily Trixie

The more habits and guidelines and STRUCTURE you build into your day, the less energy and stress you waste agonizing over making (bad) decisions.

You’d think at fifty-one years old I’d have a lot of this shit locked in, but I’m still working on it.

One thing I decided many years ago to structure my days around is POOPING. Allowing for plenty of time and behaviors to do that first; NOTHING is more important than pooping. A healthy, happy, and successful life cannot be had without regular poops.

It seems most people do not even have to think about pooping, let alone design their lives around making it happen; their bodies get the job done without the need for huge lifestyle interventions. I, on the other hand, have had a hard time pooping my whole life.

I’m still getting a handle on why pooping doesn’t come easily to me, so I still haven’t succeeded in building a daily routine and approach to scheduling and boundaries that leas to being able to reliably poop every day.  Over the past few years it’s become clearer to me that my brain and body perceive and process data and stimuli differently than most people, so I spent the majority of my first ~25 years of life in chronic fight or flight mode with my digestive and reproductive systems taking a shut-down back seat to just trying to survive. I still have a lot if work to do to build accommodations into life and work with this reality in mind, and without compromise, judgment, or shame.

They (experts!) say not to consume stimulants like caffeine after a certain point in the day if you want to get a good night’s sleep. But if your brain is wired wacky like mine is, stimulants often have a paradox effect. For some of us, Ritalin, caffeine, and other “uppers” actually help us calm and quiet down and even get better sleep than if we hadn’t had any since lunchtime or whatever.

I guess all I really want to say is it’s bedtime now and I just had a pleasant, cleansing fecal blowout after a delicious after-dinner dessert coffee.

I’m going to sleep well tonight.

I just spent an hour clarifying how much weight I need to lose to win a “New Year, New You” diet bet game.

It’s a six month “game”, so I joined it in July. I haven’t “won” or hit any of the monthly targets so far, and I still have a substantial amount (for me) to lose to qualify for the last round. But I’m pretty happy about it, and feeling positive.

Even though I haven’t met any of the goals so far, I feel hopeful and am glad I invested in this weight loss game. I might not have met the gradual monthly goals so far, BUT spending $40 a month and being forced to weigh in monthly on the app (with a very clear goal number next to it) to insure a chance at winning the money back has kept me clear and accountable.

I may not have lost as much weight as I wanted to to win the monthly games and get lighter so far, BUT I have not gained weight. That is a big win for me, especially given how many defeats, failures, and episodes of shitty feelings I’ve experienced during this time. Those experiences could have easily resulted in substantial overeating, more poor food choices for comfort, and weight gain, but knowing we really could use the money back that I’ve spent on this game has not allowed me to just avoid looking at the scale. Seeing these stupid $40 dings monthly and feeling bad about it means I really want to show my wife it is worth it, for one thing. I guess being broke is motivating me as much as the actual game and promise of feeling less weighed-down. So I keep weighing in, and not burying my head in the sand.

Today I did actually meet a significant little milestone, leaving the 140s behind. I know it is insignificant-sounding (and potentially unhealthy) to other people, but it’s a big deal to me. Being over 140 (and over 150 at times) is for sure unhealthy and not natural-feeling for my body and frame and bone structure. The habits that put me in that bracket hurt my pancreas and other organs and systems. The pain in my feet and ankles and hips is real. The way my guts and stuff are being squeezed by excess fat is uncomfortable, to say the least. Those are real things, that are not in my imagination or a result of “diet culture” or any of that.

As far as dailiness and planning and time management goes, this particular dietbet has been a great learning and practicing experience for me. I am one of these people who needs a long runway — a VERY long runway — to really transition into tasks and projects. I also have a hard time creating clear concise measurable goals and benchmarks to work towards. It seems that I need to start wrapping up the year early — VERY early — to get ready for the next year, and to wind up on December 31st feeling like I actually accomplished something I can be proud of. I need more than the holiday season to prep for starting January off on the right foot.

I feel really excited to have very specific numbers I need to reach on a weekly and even daily basis to meet my (achievable and healthy) weight loss goal to begin a new year. I love seeing the numbers laid out on the spreadsheet I just made, and knowing I really don’t have a lot of wiggle room OR complicated decisions to make this month when it comes to food, rest and exercise. With a modicum of attention, discipline and purposeful enjoyable activity, I know I am going to feel better and go into the new year leveled up, lighter, and more confident and proud of myself that at least I can accomplish something.

Back in May I posted about the relief of my wife beginning a job with a predictable set schedule, and how hopeful I felt about finally being able to plan my days, weeks, and months into the future.

After months of enjoying and getting accustomed to that, I have not, however, experienced a hugely noticeable boost in my productivity, planning efficacy, or well-being. I haven’t accomplished more. I haven’t made more money. And in many ways my sense of self has gotten worse, not better. With even more freedom and predictable uninterrupted solitude, I again feel even worse and more down on myself for not having managed to solve all of our problems during this time.

Yes, that’s kind of crazy. Maybe I should give myself more time. But honestly I just need relief from this burden of being my own boss. I want to have a normal job that I go to, and come home from. I want to get a paycheck, and have it go towards taking care of US instead of rolling it all back into taking care of our work, trying to keep our business afloat.

I want to not feel guilty every single second of the day that I am home and not working. I do not want to feel all the time like I *should* be working, 24/7.

After almost a quarter of a century, it’s enough already.

I’ve got to stop posting on Instagram. What good is it?

Omg seriously now it’s not even saving the media you post locally?

I’m so tired of (not) managing my “assets” properly, thoroughly, or findably.

I do like journaling, in a way, with snippets of copyrighted music, though.

And it did make me really happy when “White Chocolate” threw a heart up on my rambly emo post today.

It’s the kind of day where I have to wind it up reminding myself I did something worthwhile, and did not waste everything.

So. 3 things I accomplished:

1. I initiated getting out of the house together for a couple things we haven’t done in months: taco Tuesday OUT (and eaten outside at their tables which we almost never do because it is not cozy safe or contained enough for me and the feeling of air touching me is distracting but today it was a pleasant success) and a watefront mill WALK.
2. Over 12k steps today (in spite of headache & blindingly bright & sweaty sun)
3. Called my mom (good thing too because she has COVID and wasn’t going to tell me if I hadn’t called her)
4. Started the dishes
5. FINISHED the dishes
6. Took out the glass plastic aluminum recycling
7. Journaled. At least three times I turned to pen and paper to get the thoughts out the spin cycle in my head.

I also remembered to practice my “thinking, doing, or resting” awareness & refocusing tool.

And I came up with more than three things to feel proud of, and feel better and more ready for sleep now.

How do you want your days in 2024 to be different than your days in 2023?

How marked a difference?

I have the power to change my daily life in so many ways.

To spend more time listening to sounds like rain like I’m doing right now. Forced by my last migraine and my last period of the year to just lie here. And listen.

I believe the most important TOP PRIORITY thing to schedule — the thing that should be scheduled first, before anything else — is REST.

Daily rest, weekly rest, monthly rest, seasonal rest, and yearly rest.

Rest. Recovery. Recuperation. Regeneration. Reflection. Rejuvenation. And to come out of these periods of time REBORN.

I’m still working on putting this belief into practice, and being able to rely on myself to protect times of rest like a little baby lives inside it. Because they do.

Honoring a Sabbath and taking sabbaticals are two ways of implementing this practice of resting on a regular basis with strong traditions to back them up.

Syncing up special rest time with the dark phase of the moon is another way I keep promising myself I will keep restful time on a regular basis, but failing to do.

Today the moon is new. Officially exactly in the same hour I am writing this. And writing this is not rest, so I am going to stop here and allow myself to sleep at three-thirty in the afternoon. ALONE. With room darkening shades pulled in a clean space that is empty of all but a very few personal items chosen especially for this time of rest. And I will not feel guilty about it even though tomorrow is a special love-date for my wife and I, and some people would say that if I’m not working, I should be entirely devoted to the social energy of appreciating my wife and our marriage. But this year, with her support, I’m doing what I know is right and best for me to have the energy and capacity to be loving to her and others: I am spending our anniversary-eve ALONE. Resting. Enjoying solitude and as much sleep as I can fit in. Even though I keep wanting to tell her to come here, now. I am prioritizing REST FIRST. Knowing what is restful to me, which may not be what is restful to others … affirming that everyone deserves to get the rest they need, even if it is not what the picture of “rest” looks like in other people’s dictionaries.